


What Can Never Be

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-23 15:01:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10721694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara is in love with Tommy.  Tommy is in love with Barbara.  Neither of them knows how the other feels.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

Tommy was dozing peacefully next to me, slumped down in the driver’s seat of the Bristol. I should have been annoyed with him, we were both supposed to be on surveillance, but he had been pushing himself hard recently and I didn’t have the heart to wake him.

I took the opportunity to study him; he looked peaceful and so much younger. He was not the strikingly handsome man he had been when we had first been partnered, his life had aged him, but to me had had matured like a fine wine and I found him even more attractive because of it.

I had been in unrequited love with him for years. I knew that we loved each other, but it was as best friends, or possibly brother and sister, nothing more; well, from his side of things anyhow. I accepted that because he was the closest thing to family I had and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. I also knew that I wasn’t the type of woman he needed, the type of woman he was expected to date and eventually marry; I never would be.

I shook my head and looked away, turning my attention back to the warehouse. Dwelling on what never would be wasn’t productive. I had Tommy in my life, which was more than I had ever dreamed of or expected; it had to be enough.

~*~

The motion of the car had lulled Barbara off to sleep. As I pulled up at a red light I glanced over at her and smiled. She did everything possible to make herself appear unattractive but I could see through her disguise. She had porcelain skin, elfin features, and stunning emerald eyes that bewitched me every time she turned her gaze on me.

I had been in unrequited love with her for years. I knew that she loved me, but as a best friend and possibly a brother, nothing more. Every day I wished that I could find the courage to show her how I felt, but I couldn’t risk losing her. She was my north star, my moral compass and everything in between. 

The light changed to green and I moved off with the traffic. Dwelling on what never would be wasn’t productive. I had to focus on the positives; without Barbara in my life I would be adrift.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke as Tommy parked the car. Releasing my seatbelt, I stretched and yawned.

“Good morning.”

I turned and stuck out my tongue at him. “You can talk! I was the one who kept watch on the warehouse while you dreamed about long legged women and whisky.”

“Havers! Really!”

I raised my eyebrows while trying not to laugh at his righteous indignation. “Don’t you Havers me. I was the one who had to sit next to you as you moaned in your sleep.”

To my surprise, Tommy’s face flushed red and he looked away. I was worried that I had offended him.

“I was only joking Sir, I didn’t mean to offend you.”

He turned back to face me, “you didn’t. Barbara, can we go for a drink?”

His expression had changed to one I was very familiar with. He was obviously struggling with something, and I would make sure that I was there for him, whatever he needed.

“Of course we can. Do you have somewhere in mind?”

“My room.”

I smiled warmly at him, “lead on.”

~*~

When Barbara told me that I had been moaning in my sleep I felt my face flush. I hoped that she was joking, because if she wasn’t then my subconscious had almost let slip my deepest secret. The situation was ridiculous and couldn’t continue, however scared I was! We were both adults. It was about time that we sat down and talked to each other. I needed to know if there was any chance that she felt about me the way I felt about her. If she didn’t, well we had been through so much together I was hopeful we would be able to salvage our friendship. 

Barbara perched nervously on the end of the double bed in my hotel room. I had procured a bottle of whisky from the hotel bar, and I poured two generous fingers, handing one to her, before sitting next to her on the bed.

“What’s on your mind Sir? You’ve not been yourself for a few days now. Can I do anything to help?”

I ran my fingers through my hair before taking a healthy swig from my glass. “I need to talk to you about something, and I hope you won’t be offended, but if you are I hope that you will forgive me and we will still be friends.”

Her hand rested on my arm, “breathe Sir. Whatever it is you need to talk to me about, I can’t see any reason why we wouldn’t still be friends.”

“Hmm, you might not be so forgiving once you hear me out.”

“Instead of worrying about the outcome you need to tell me whatever it is that is bothering you.”

I stood and moved to the small window. I sensed Barbara come and stand behind me.

“I’m in love with you Barbara, I have been for what seems like forever. I promised myself that I would never tell you because I couldn’t bear to have you walk out of my life, but I am driving myself insane trying to keep my feelings secret.”

“Sir…”

I turned around to face her, “no, please don’t interrupt. I need to tell you everything before I lose my nerve or make an even bigger hash of things. You are the most important person in my life, you mean everything to me. I think about you all the time. When we’re together I have to fight myself not to pull you into my arms and kiss you, and when we’re apart I can’t wait to see you again. I know I am wrong for you, that I am everything you don’t want or need in your life, but I can’t help the way I feel.”

“Sir…”

I pressed a finger to her lips. “You probably hate me right now, and I don’t blame you, but I had to tell you how I feel.”

“Tommy!”

Hearing her use my name stunned me into silence. I looked down at her, her face was a picture of exasperation.

“You… you called me Tommy.”

I felt Barbara take my hand. She led me over to the bed and made me sit down.

“Tommy; we have known each other for over ten years. In that time, I have seen the kind of woman you are attracted to and, even though I have had feelings for you for years, I knew that I would never fit in that mould and I accepted that. Now you say that you are in love with me. I’m not going to try and tell you that you don’t know what you are feeling, that would be unfair to you but, I hope you can understand why I am confused.”

“You have feelings for me?”

She sighed deeply, “yes, I have been in love with you for years too.”

“So, if I love you and you love me, is there any reason why we can’t see what this could be?”

“I’m scared.”

I reached out and stroked her face, “tell me what you are scared of?”

“You told me that I am your everything; well you are that to me too. You are my best friend, my family. If I were to lose you it would destroy me.”

“You won’t lose me, you can never lose me.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because if I were to lose you it would destroy me too. The way I feel about you, it is the most intense, the most real love I have ever experienced. Surely you’ve noticed that I haven’t been with anyone since Julia Oborne? I spend all my time with you, because when I am with you I am the happiest that I have ever been. Please Barbara, give this, give us a chance.”


	3. Chapter 3

My heart was telling me to rugby tackle him onto the bed; my head was telling me to go back to my room and never speak of our feelings again. The rational part of me was screaming at me to listen to my head, while the part of me that had been in love with him for years was screaming equally loudly for me to take the chance he was asking for and see what we could become. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed deeply.

“Say something Barbara; tell me what you are thinking.”

“I’m trying to sort through an internal conflict, you need to give me a moment to negotiate with the warring factions.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation I couldn’t stop myself from cracking a joke, and I was relieved to see him smile.

“Can I do anything to help broker peace?”

I sighed again; my heart was winning. “You could make love to me.”

Tommy captured my face in his hands, “could you repeat that?”

“You could make love to me.”

Tears welled in his eyes, “do you mean that Barbara?”

I nodded. “The warring factions have laid down their arms and called a truce.”

A tender smile ghosted across his face before he bent down and captured my lips with his, kissing me with fervour; and I met him with the same intensity. I reached for his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. His arms slid around my waist, tugging at my blouse to free it from my jeans. 

As we continued to kiss our clothes somehow disappeared. Naked, we tumbled back onto the bed, our legs entwined, our hands and mouths exploring, mapping and learning. In the back of my mind one of the factions started up again, helpfully reminding me that I was currently naked in the arms of my boss; I chose to ignore them, after all, they were pointing out the obvious.

Tommy rolled me underneath him, his familiar brown eyes full of love as he stared into my soul. His lips reunited with mine as he slid deep inside me, our fingers tangling in each other’s hair, passion consuming us.

~*~

We collapsed, exhausted, side by side on the bed, both of us breathing heavily.

“Remind me again why we never did this before?”

“Does it matter?”

“No, not really, I’m just glad that we finally came to our senses.”

“Winston, Lafferty, and probably Hillier think that we’ve been at it for years.”

“At it? Really Barbara, the aristocracy don’t go at it, we are far too refined for that.”

Barbara laughed, “the next thing you’ll be telling me is that the aristocracy have staff to go at it for them.”

“Even if we did, I would never let anyone else go at it with you in my place; I don’t share.”

“That’s good to know, because I don’t share either. Now you’re mine I am not letting you go anywhere.”

“I’ve waited so long to hear you say that, I love you so much Barbara.”

She rolled onto her side, resting her chin on my chest, looking up at me through her lashes, “I love you too.”


	4. Chapter 4

I knocked on Tommy’s open office door, he looked up at me and smiled, beckoning for me to come in. I closed the door behind me and made my way over to his desk.

“Hello my love.”

I flopped down in the chair opposite his, returning his smile.

“And a hello to you too.”

“To what do I owe this visit, or did you just miss me?”

I laughed, “I always miss you, but I do have a reason for dropping by. Hillier wants to see me in an hour, his secretary just called me. Any ideas what it’s about?”

Tommy opened his mouth to answer, but as he did so his phone rang.

“Hold that thought. Lynley. In an hour? Not a problem. Yes, I will be there. Thank you.”

I waited until he put the phone down before speaking. “I guess you’ve just been summoned to see the headmaster too?”

“Yes, with you.”

“Do you think he’s found out that we are in a relationship?”

“Possibly, but if he has, he has. I am not about to end things with you just to stay working at the Met. You are far more important to me than the job.”

“Oooh, so we’re going to do the you resign, I resign dance?”

“I was thinking about it. How do you feel?”

“With my hands, and it’s normally your naked body I’m feeling, in particular your erect cock.”

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up, virtually disappearing into his hairline as he spluttered with laughter. “Barbara; I do not believe you just said that!”

I looked at him with what I hoped was an expression of pure innocence, “I don’t know why, it’s the truth.”

“I know it is, I just didn’t expect you to…”

“Come out with it?”

He laughed again, “you are so wicked.”

“And you love that side of me?”

“You know I do, I love all of your sides, but you still haven’t answered my question about resigning.”

I pushed my hair back behind my ears, “you really have to ask me?”

“I just want to be sure that we are both coming from the same place.”

“We normally do.”

Smiling, he shook his head, “you really do have a one-track mind Barbara Havers!”

“I was a paragon of virtue before I met you.”

“And you managed to say that with a straight face, wonders will never cease!”

“It’s the truth. Anyhow, in answer to your question; if Hillier has found out about us then yes, you resign and I resign. If Hillier hasn’t found out about us but tries to break up our partnership then yes, you resign and I resign. If Hillier is his normal annoying self then yes, you resign and I resign. Actually, why don’t we both just resign anyway?”

“You’d do that?”

“Hell yes! I used to love this job, but it’s changed. There’s so much red tape now that getting anything done is a major challenge. The only reason I haven’t quit is because I love spending time with you. I don’t need the job for that now, I don’t need any excuses, I just need you.”

“If we weren’t at work I would kiss you.”

“Hold that thought until we’ve told Hillier.”

~*~

Barbara followed me into Hillier’s office, and we took our places in the seats in front of his desk.

“You wanted to see us Sir.”

“Yes, um, this is a little delicate but, well it has been brought to my attention that you and Havers might be in a relationship.”

“We are.”

“I see. Is it serious or…”

“It’s very serious Sir.”

“Right. You do realise that this puts me in a very difficult position?”

“Not if we resign, which Barbara and I do now, and with immediate effect.”

“Be serious Lynley.”

I glared across the desk at Hillier. “Only Lynley? Why not be serious Havers? Either way, we are being serious. Our relationship is far more important to us than our careers.”

Hillier at least had the good grace to turn to Barbara and apologise.

“Is this really what you both want?”

“Yes Sir. Tommy and I want to build a life together, a life that doesn’t involve the Met.”

“Well then, if your minds are definitely made up.”

“They are.”

“Then I accept your resignations and wish you both all the best for your future.”

“Thank you, Sir, we appreciate it.”

We left Hillier's office and headed back to mine, chatting as we walked.

“That didn’t go as badly as it could have.”

“What were you expecting Barbara?”

“Him begging you not to throw your career away on someone like me.”

“If he’d tried I would have put him straight. I’m not throwing away anything.”

Barbara took hold of my hands in hers, “I didn’t think that you were, but you saw the way he acted towards you in there. I know he apologised to me, but he was far more worried about losing you than losing me.”

“Then he’s an idiot.”

“That’s hardly news; although, compared to Webberley, God rest his soul, he’s a positive mastermind.”

“Ah yes, he did underestimate you my love.”

“He underestimated both of us.”

~*~

I collapsed on the couch next to Tommy, tucking my legs underneath me and leaning against him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head.

“I didn’t think we were ever going to get out of the pub tonight. It was lovely that everyone wanted to wish us well, but if we hadn’t left half of the drinks we were bought I don’t think we’d have been sober this side of the new millennium!”

“I told you that Winston and Lafferty thought that we were at it!”

“Yes, I concede that you were right about that, even if they were slightly off with when we first started, how was it Lafferty put it, bonking for Britain.”

“I was so proud of you then, not rising to his bait.”

“I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction, nothing was going to burst my happy bubble.”

I twisted in his embrace, staring at him, my mouth gaping. He laughed at my expression, gently pushing up on my jaw to close my mouth.

“Such an attractive look Barbara.”

“I cannot believe I have just heard you use the phrase ‘burst my happy bubble’.”

“Just seeing if you’re paying attention.”

I clambered onto his lap so that I was sitting astride him. “I always pay attention when you talk.”

Tommy tapped me on the nose, “careful Pinocchio, you’ll have my eye out!”

“I’m not lying. I may not have been concentrating on the content, but I always listened to you. Your voice does very naughty things to me, it always has.”

That caught his interest. “Tell me more.”

“I could show you.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“I thought you might.”

“Shall we take this upstairs?”

“Might be better, don’t want the neighbours looking in and catching you with your hand inside my knickers.”

“Yes, we definitely don’t want to cause a scandal in Eaton Terrace.”

Tommy stood with me still wrapped in his arms, and carried me up to bed.


	5. Epilogue

Coming to Gibraltar to get married had been a spur of the moment thing. We had been lying in bed after making love when I had proposed and, once Barbara had said yes, we had decided we didn’t want a massive wedding, we also didn’t want to wait. A little research online had revealed that there was no statutory waiting period in Gibraltar and so we had arranged to fly out the next morning. Three days later we were married.

I held Barbara’s hand securely in mine as we walked in the sun.

“I still think your mother is going to kill us when we next go to Howenstow.”

“She’ll get over it, she hasn’t any choice.”

“I suppose we could compromise, have a family meal and break the news to them that way.”

“We could.”

“You don’t sound too enthusiastic.”

“I’m in my happy bubble again, I don’t want to think about Mother.”

Barbara spluttered with laughter. “You and your bloody happy bubble!”

“I only use it because it makes you laugh, and I love to see you laugh.”

She nestled up against me and I rested my head against hers. “I never did thank you for finding the courage to tell me that you were in love with me. If you hadn’t we wouldn’t be where we are today. I’m glad you were brave enough to change what can never be.”

“What can never be? I don’t understand.”

“That’s what I thought you and I were; what can never be. We were so different, and I was scared of losing what I had with you. I resigned myself to being in unrequited love with you for the rest of my days. You took the chance I was too afraid to.”

“You gave me the push to say something.”

“I did? How?”

“When you teased me saying that I had been moaning in my sleep. I had been dreaming about you, holding you, kissing you, making love to you; I was terrified that I would reveal something subconsciously and offend you and so I made the decision to tell you when I was awake and hope that you would either believe me or forgive me.”

“I chose to believe you.”

“You did, and so in a way we both made what can never be into what most definitely is. And because of that we’ve never been happier. You are my everything Barbara.”

“As you are mine.”

I looked at my watch, "it's almost siesta time, shall we head back to the apartment?"

"I'm not tired."

I grinned wickedly at her. "Funnily enough, neither am I."


End file.
